I got so many dreams and visions that I wanna fulfill as my school life gonna come to an end.

These 3 years wasn't isn't for me, as I was struggling with not being able to enter into my dream course and ended up in a course that I never thought I will choose though people wanna convince me that I am suitable for it with a face that people said was gentle and soft spoken which I often told them, if they really know me, I am loud and hyper active.

And in my heart, how I long time passed faster.

Since when I was young, I always grew up faster than people my age, in term of biologically. I always wanting to grew older faster for I wanna to be an important person and doing great thing that the world often said women are not capable of but when I was young, I never believe so for the more people said I can't make it, the more I wanna proved to them. To those close to me and beloved to me, to those that was not with me as I grew up, I wanna them to recognise me when I received my success and I prayed with all my heart to reunite with my beloved friends if one day we recognise one another through our success. That was my motivation and that was my dream.

But as I grew up and under the pressure of society, this dream seem to be further and further away. Giving up on my favourite subject, I did badly in school for 3 years. Receiving a normal grade and criticism because of my lack of pronounciation due to a natural disability in speech which people called it short tongue in simple term. And for a period of time, I hated when people asked me whether am I from China due to my chinese pronounciation. This disability caused quite a numerous problems for me. Being look down by my own people, and even when faced China people, I myself disliked them because of the comments that I heard when I was young. My own country people being judgmental and in class, I was often being left alone because of my weirdness as some of them called and due to my pride which I often felt that they were so immature, bullying people and critised others while thinking they were superior. I looked down on them and allowing their criticism to fly pass me.

That was my life and my dream faded away...

Many years, as I went through this so called suffering [for my state of mind in that point], I would often went out with my primary school best friend. It was a friendship that built up over our last 2 years of school life and if I were to being asked who will ever be the one that I will never forget and we can go through tears and joy, it will be her. It was such a miracle how we came to become best friend. For the first year when we knew one another, I was the so called big sister of our girl group which she was the 2nd sister of the group but for some reason, out of the 4 of us in the group, I just didn't like her and the same went for her. We never really talk, and even when we played together, there wasn't much interaction.

But everything changed when we were promoted to primary 6. Our best friends from the same sister group starting to be closer and our relationship with them drift apart. By the need of wanting a best friend, we starting to go out everyday after school to our favourite hang out place. And every single day, our routine was the same, we went to the supermarket, looked out for food and snacks to buy. Chit chat over various things that we like and we starting to become the best of friends, inseparated.

But with every friendship, it needed to be tested by trials and tribulations. The other 2 friends of us starting to feel weird as we became best friends and during those time, I was known to have nasty attitude and fiery characters. Any guys or girls that provoked me will always get a scolding from me caused I can't tolerate nonsense and I can't stand injustice. And at that time, I scolded one of the girl in front of our friends. They felt upset and gathered the rest of the friends to go against me yet the miraclous thing was my best friend, she chose to stay with me knowing that she would also lost these friends. When she was secretly being asked to go out with them, she would reject or like me know but often in times, she would just rejected and went out with me instead.

Thus even when I went through a tough period at my secondary school, I would always went out with her caused I would always being reminded of the good times when she stayed with me. Even when I never shared my problems from my secondary school, we will just went out and being crazy.

During my last year in secondary school, I was saved and started to come to church. The time that we spent together was lesser and lesser. I was sad when time after time I invited her but rejected by her. She don't really like Christians but at least, she didn't left me when I converted.

But through my times with God, I rediscovered my dreams and visions.

And this time round, I had the motivations not because for my own self but for a brighter future. Not because of the possible reunion but because I wanna to change the society.

I feel that I was growing slower with the Lord in term of characters moulding.

It seem like I has forgotten my dreams, visions and motivations.

I seem to miss out so much.

Yet this song, "God of My Forever" reminded me of the time when I received Jesus into my heart when I was 16 years old going to 17 and time really flied and now? I going to be 20 soon in a few months time.

I got so much dreams, so much visions. Some I need to fulfill on my own. Some? With my friends and some with my future beloved ones.

I once lost the dreams but I slowly recovered them back.

I can miss the good old days all I want but I got a future to think about.

God of My Forever, I truly surrender...

Labels: Dream