I'm not one to cries bucket of water but as I talked to Cliff about the doubts in my life and how far can I allow friendship to go in my life, tears just came.

It wasn't non-stop, yet as I was faced with the truths to stand upon what I believe and what people said about me, tears just came.

Maybe I care too much of what those close to me think.

Maybe I care too much of all the teasing.

As I put down the phone call with my leader, I can't help but cried as I thought of it.

There are many things that I enjoyed doing but choose to give up in the end because of my decision.

Dance
Business diploma
Close friendship
Personal space

I once regreted letting go of all these yet whenever Jesus reminded me of why I doing all these for, I can help but be grateful. Yet sometime, as I looked left and right, it seemed like those who supported me were so little.

I once afraid that one day if I choose to go for missions, my mum will be my bigger opposition for I am the elder in my family, my sister was having problems growing up and I might very well be the ones supporting my family yet my mum told me one thing very simple, I don't have to worry about taking care of them for they will want to work as much as possible and my sister is around though my mum had her worries of how my sister can care for herself.

This is a mistake that I had done when I was young when I often bullied my sister. It was a mistake when I accidently pushed her down from a chair and caused her to have deformed teeth and many of the times I told my mum, this is my responsibility and I will take care of it yet as I grow in the Lord, there is always a feeling that I won't be always in SG and my sister will be the only one to take care of the family.

My sister's CG member is the only one who ever put in the effort to reach out to my sister. The way she is so willing to connect to her give me a hope that my sister can have a real chance to be transformed. Even when her CG member shared with me the difficulty for my sister to be opened and for my sister to understand yet one thing she said impacted my life, "imagine you are a mum and you can't make the one you care for open up to you and you need a third party to help, it wasn't a nice feeling. In fact, it is a sad feeling."

It reminded me of the time I cared for those under me yet the frustration overtook me. It was like a mum-in-training. It wasn't a nice feeling when those you took care of run to others and not you. It is just the feeling I felt.

But my God is faithful and good. Even when I once thought the hope is gone, it came to me once again to give my sister another chance to receive love from more people.

They believed in her, telling her that she can do it, believe in the unreleasing potential within her and it give peace in my heart that maybe my sister will really be the one to stay behind and take care of the family while I travelled.

I once met my sister's CGL and was really impacted by her.

The first time I saw her, she gave me a feeling of elegant and she was just a young leader, newly rised up and being given a CG that consisted of 80% helpers that was transferred in from other CGs.

And I knew my sister was in good hands, no doubts. What I can't do for her, there is someone to help her about and I thanks God for that.

For I know, my tears are not wasted. God is there to hear my prayer and to rest my heart.

After talking to Cliff, I know it all voiced down to accountability, growth, discernment and choices.

We all got to come to a point of choices.

To choose the friends to have, the path to walk etc.

And the only thing that we can never choose is our own earthly family.

Only until I see the goodness of God then I see the goodness of my earthly family. The years of sacrifice had paid off, my family grew closer. Every once in a while or should I say every 3 months, my father will bring the whole family to have a real dinner on weekend and last sun, I slow down and finally had a chat with my parents and really, it was the first time that I glad that I joined in the family dinner. The first time, I was a bit unwilling, just came for dinner and went home. This time round, I leave after dinner yet I stay throughout the dinner without leaving straightaway after I finished.

I observed my parents and see them aged. Sometime I felt so bad for treating them with disrespect when I was upset and frustrated with life but now my mum learned to understand me and I learnt to slow down my pace and chatted with my mum.

It was better than when I first came to church.

They sacrificed for me, they supported my idea to go into SOT, they no longer opposed me against going to church. To them, going to church nowadays was normal, and they glad my sister went.

I still believed in family salvation though it might take a while. My family is still in the process of getting closer.

I know my tears are not wasted.

I know I made a right decision by believing in Jesus and walking with God.

Life should always be like this shouldn't it?

To be joyful in the Lord and know to go back to Him when you face a wall and fall down.

My tears are not wasted and I know my God in heaven is looking at me right now and give me a beloved smile.

Thanks Daddy God!

Labels: Tears